Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that the Coronado social media scene is pretty incredible. You’ll find posts that are equal parts helpful, horrifying and hilarious…perplexing, vexing, and vilifying. Then there are those golden nuggets…the posts that are downright mean! I’m talking trash-talking, trailer park fighting, scratching someone in the face with Lee Press-ons, punch you in the kidney kind of mean. For a sweet small town, we do online scandal in a big way!
But one thing is certain. That’s the straight-up entertainment value of our local Facebook pages, groups, and posts: It’s first-rate. You can’t make it up. (Who’s writing a screenplay already?)
So before you cozy up in your jammies and check in your favorite small town page or group, let’s class it up a bit. In honor of International Wine Day (which is this Saturday folks) pour yourself a nice glass of wine so you can scroll in style. (Who knows? Maybe you’ll get drunk and weigh in on the latest scandal. Just be careful what you say…hello, screen shots!)
But not any glass of wine will do. It’s important to pair the right type of wine with the right kind of post. You need a varietal that brings out the authentic flavor of the message and scandal, with notes of tolerance and acceptance. A scathing Yelp review, for example, requires a different vintage, flavor and finish than a political post on futility of bridge spikes.
Shameless plug…did you know that I sell organic wines? Well I do. I sell additive-free wines from small, family owned vineyards from all over the world. No added sugar, dyes, pesticides, GMOs, or other yuckiness. So for the purpose of this post, I’m using my wines for the pairings because that’s what I know. If you don’t like it, feel free to post a nasty comment. (Try to make me cry. I dare you.)
So without further ado, here’s my list of “Wine Pairings for Coronado Social Media Scandals.”
A Jaunty Red Blend: Bringing together a diversified discourse on the proposed teen center. Does Coronado need a new teen center? Who knows. But you’ll need a drink to get through all the social media squabbles surrounding the Logos Teen Center. I recommend something fruity and bold, like many of the comments. Name-calling and religion-slamming pair nicely with this Red Wine from Mendocino County. The grapes come from three different vineyards, symbolizing a diversity of religious backgrounds ranging from God-fearing Christians to unimpressed Jews to something in between. (The grapes in this wine are hand-crushed, just like your soul when you get to the 120th comment.) Test your tolerance by pouring yourself another glass anytime someone says “God’s Kingdom,” “cult,” or “minion.”
An Oregon Pinot Noir for the Clayton’s Pig Debacle.
When drunk girls from Del Mar try to bring their pet pig into Claytons, refuse to leave and get arrested, and the pig is police-escorted to PAWS…its time for something special. I suggest the 2017 Conte de la Terre from the Willamette Valley. This wine is a bit pricier at $42 a bottle, but anytime the authorities get involved, it’s kind of a big deal. Earthy and light, this Pinot brings a refined elegance to this carnival-style spectacle. (See if you can taste the notes of tart cherry and entitlement.) Also, it pairs perfectly with pork.
When local boys talk smack to the Coronado Flower Lady, sweeten things up with a crisp rose.
For the post on the badly-behaved teenage boys who banged up the public piano then threw some major shade on the flower lady when she asked them to tone it down, I suggest a juicy rose. With notes of wild strawberry and rhubarb, it pairs great with bad language and teen angst. The mouth-coating, textured palate gives you time to linger and perhaps even forgive youthful blunders.
For scandalous donations to non-profits, try an Austrian Gruner.
For the post about the first-grader who found 45 dollars floating around Tidelands park, donated it to PAWS, and was called a thief while her mom was dubbed a bad parent who “sets the bar low,” I recommend this mouth-watering 2017 Punkt Genau Gruner Vetliner. (Full disclosure, this is me, I’m the mom, so I’m just sharing one of my favorite wines. It’s also what I drank when I was vilified as an over-privileged, heartless housewife with no empathy to others. I only cried once, by the way.) Expressive notes of apple, passion fruit and a bit of spice linger on the tongue, overpowering hints self-righteousness and stupidity. Yeah, I said it.
For scathing Yelp reviews on local businesses, try a Chilean Sauv Blanc.
When someone orders food from Yummy sushi through Postmates and gets an–eeek!–imperfect order, publically shames the restaurant on Yelp then next-levels the post by sharing on local social media, you know you’re in for a treat. Start drinking IMMEDIATELY, preferably this 2018 Entico Reserva Sauvignon Blanc. Aromas of lime and lemongrass leap from the glass and continue on the zesty palate with lemon peel and green apple. It pairs nicely with sushi and disappointment.
For Social Media Screen Shot Warfare, open a fabulous bottle of Argentinian Malbec.
If you’re going to read a post where people are throwing around screenshots they’ve taken of each other’s comments on different threads and ridiculing them, nothing subtle will do. I suggest drinking the entire bottle of the 2017 Solar del Alma Malbec from Mendoza, Argentina. It’s dense and fruity, just like social media screen-shotters, with flavors of blueberry, boysenberry, vanilla bean and espresso. It pairs perfectly with Mexican food, Friday nights, and fiery tempers.
For senior statistics quizzes, indulge in the “Bookbinder,” an ambitious red blend.
This aptly-named 2016 Bookbinder Red Wine from Napa Valley is dark and deeply colored with blackberry and mocha, and has a persistent finish, just like the seniors and their statistics quizzes. Surprisingly rich and bursting with hope, this wine is worth savoring and applauding, like these seniors who are off to make their mark in the world. This wine pairs great with grass-fed rib-eye and graduation parties, and overpowers any hints of irritation or despairing comments, like suggestions to get some “doors slammed” in your face. Cheers!
For pictures of rainbows and flamingos, something sparkly and bright.
When it comes to rainbow shots and pictures of the famed pink flamingo, only something bubbly will do. Celebrate the beauty of life with this Che Fico Prosecco from Veneto, Italy. Aromatic and fruity with ripe peach, and hints of cream, these lively bubbles burst in the glass, just like your smile when you watch the natural splendor of our island unfold. Living on an enchanted isle such as ours, there’s always a reason to pop some Prosecco!
So there you have it. In case you are wondering, all of the posts mentioned above are real (you didn’t know Coronado had a flamingo? Where have you been?)
You just can’t make this stuff up. And yes, I have screen shots to prove it.
And, for the record, in spite of my sarcasm and dark humor, I’m not judging any of the people who shared these posts, nor the folks who commented on them. We are all entitled to our own opinions and that’s what makes this country (and our little island!) so amazing. Freedom of speech, yo! I’ll take a colorful discourse over a bunch of luke-warm, too-cool-to-care conversations any day. (And yes, I even forgive the people who were specifically mean to me. Just don’t ask me for $45. But if you do, I will laugh and then maybe we can be friends.)
Do I think we should be nicer to each other? Yes I do. I really, really do. We are all neighbors, and we aren’t that different when it really comes down to it. We all want a beautiful, safe, loving community to live in, raise our children in, and to grow old in. So let’s be nice. To our families, to our friends, to strangers on the street, to shop owners, to teenagers, and yes…even to people we don’t know on social media.
Until then, there’s always wine.
Stay classy, Coronado.
OK people! So many people have messaged me to where to buy the organic wines, so here is a link.
Just make sure to ship to Walgreens, 925 Orange Avenue, otherwise the FedEx guy will wait until you are in the shower or at pickup, and the wine delivery requires signature. I suggest getting to $99 otherwise you get charged $12 in shipping which is a total buzzkill! Shipping costs will go up May 29 because of “summer shipping” because they have to do extra packaging to prevent wine from getting yucky in the heat, so for free shipping get up to $99 and order before then. Peace out 🙂